An enormous rumble shook the foundation of a Ballard home today when Beth Johnson stood up from a 14-hour Netflix binge to find that she had pushed the limits of quarantine comfort too far and had finally broken in half.
“I knew I should have moderated my binges into healthy chunks of five or six hours at a time, but I thought I had until my 40s before this would ever happen,” said Johnson, sitting next to her detached legs. “People of Seattle, remember my story like Icarus flying too close to the sun – except the sun is 10 seasons of the Great British Bake Off and Icarus is my disembodied ass lying over there.”
Upon hearing the enormous crunch coming from the living room, Beth’s husband quickly stood up from a 14-hour Call of Duty session to rush to the source of the sound, only to find that he too had broken off at the knees.
“It sounded like someone set a firecracker off in the living room so I quickly stood up to check on Beth and instead snapped in half at the knees like stale peppermint bark,” said Ron Johnson, sheepishly bundling his lower legs together like loose firewood. “I assumed I had gotten up to go to the bathroom or grab a beer sometime in the last 14 hours but I guess I was just in the zone and forgot blood circulation is a thing.”
Following a sharp increase in binge-related fractures over the quarantine period, experts recommend that you consult a physician before attempting to watch all three Lord of the Rings films in one sitting, and never, under any circumstances, attempt to watch all eight Harry Potter films in a row.
