Following Governor Inslee’s new lockdown order, a local man has returned to defending the toilet-paper quarantine fortress that engulfed his former living room earlier this year.
“While I enjoyed the Charmin Ceasefire that the summer months provided, I knew the day would come when I would once again be called to man my formidable Cottonelle Castle,” said Frank Beaufort, fortifying the pillowy-soft ramparts of his Magnolia home’s TP watchtowers. “When the store shelves run bare and desperate, wild-eyed mobs begin to tear this neighborhood apart looking for anything to wipe their unprepared behinds, just be warned that I’m ready to defend my Quilted Northern cache with my life. You’re welcome to try and take this Angel Soft Alamo, but you’re going to have to pry this ultra plush TP from my cold, dead derriere.”
Beaufort has come under fire recently after founding the Proud Ply group on Facebook, and has defended himself against accusations of hoarding toilet paper at the expense of the community at large.
“While the government fat cats are enjoying the effervescent kiss of their fancy bidets, the rest of us are out here surviving hand to cheek,” ranted Beaufort on a Facebook livestream from the front seat of his Ford F-150, also fortified in his driveway with hundreds of rolls of toilet paper. “When our supply chains fall apart and deprive hard-working American assholes of their fundamental right to two-ply, you’ll see that it’s Governor Inslee that has poo on his hands.”
Shortly after the livestream, Beaufort was reportedly rescued from an unsuccessful attempt to reach his own bathroom by a giant Amazon Prime box of TP waiting on his doorstep.
