In response to allegations that crippling the United States Post Office earlier this year to deter mail-in voting is now resulting in packages not arriving on time for Christmas, President Donald Trump assured the nation today that mail-in gifts not delivered by Christmas don’t even count.
“So your 92-year-old grandma SAYS she Priority-shipped that blanket she knitted for your newborn’s first Christmas more than a week ago? FAKE NEWS,” Trump tweeted this afternoon. “I find these claims that families are actually sending thoughtful, physical presents to each other suspicious in the first place. I love my children more than anyone in the world and all I made sure Kayleigh got them wasvwhat I always get them: A digital $25 gift certificate to McDonalds that expires at the end of the March.”
Trump went on to say that he’ll be sending his lawyers into post offices tonight to confiscate all mail-in Christmas gifts that didn’t make it to their destinations by today.
“If your grandma was a rEaL American patriot who loved you at all, she’d have driven across six states to hand it to you in person today. But she didn’t, making all love and holiday cheer in her package and all other gifts that don’t arrive by Christmas null and void. Sad,” Trump said in followup tweets. “Time is of the essence, so my legal team will be acting fast to assess whether these fraudulent items collectively have a Craigslist resale value of $400 million before Inauguration Day.”
At press time, Trump was asking all true patriots and post office watchers to make sure mailmen stop counting and delivering Christmas-sticker-covered boxes that may contain custom-engraved aviator sunglasses and loving hand-written letters Joe Biden sent to each of his grandchildren.
