KOMO is now reporting that the complete and utter destruction of Emerald City has been delayed indefinitely as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have struggled to navigate a labyrinth of one-way downtown streets to reach Armageddon’s cursed fountainhead, the McDonald’s on 3rd and Pine.
“Damn it, Famine, we’ve already been down Seneca five times now—I thought you said you knew where you were going?” said a frustrated Death, quickly turning down another one-way street. “Oh, Seattle will burn for this inept city planning! The ashen wind will carry your howls into the night as your entrails are picked at by ravenous corpse birds and … wait, fuck, we’re really back on Seneca again. Curse you, Seattle! Your citizens shall bear witness to our arrival and see your city razed to the ground, the crumbling streets shall run thick with the blood of the innocents and … no! When did 3rd Avenue become ‘Bus Only?’”
The Horsemen eventually stopped in at the Original Starbucks where they attempted to regroup before reembarking on their cataclysmic journey.
“Perhaps if we procure bicycles for-hire we’ll make better progress – it appears the city’s cyclist community is not beholden to these stifling traffic rules and do whatever the hell they want,” said Death, carefully studying a $28 Starbucks mug decorated with a map of Downtown Seattle. “We’re all just frustrated: War has started changing the names on everyone’s cups to ‘Karen’ just to start fights and Famine is just walking around knocking the lattes from everyone’s hands. Perhaps I’ll inquire about the use of their WiFi wizardry to consult the ancient MapQuest scriptures on my Blackberry here.”
After leaving the Starbucks, the Horsemen were seen pedaling furiously only to be thwarted again by an insurmountable incline on James Street.
