Lacking any human touch since March, a Fremont man has experienced his first spark of intimacy in months today while stuffing and dressing his Thanksgiving turkey.
“I haven’t felt skin-to-skin contact in months, but when I grazed the turkey’s clammy, pale skin it was like a jolt of electricity crackling through my body,” said Tom Newberry, deeply massaging a dry rub of herbs and spices onto the turkey’s body. “At first it felt so wrong, but now it just feels so right. Oh Griselda, you’re so tense. Don’t worry, nothing a nice buttermilk bath won’t solve.”
Newberry, whose family resides in Florida, has decided to stay in quarantine and spend Thanksgiving alone this year.
“What’s that Griselda? You want more stuffing? Oh my, you’re a dirty bird aren’t you? Someone isn’t getting their Presidential pardon this year,” said Newberry, teasing the turkey’s orifice with a handful of Stovetop Stuffing. “Don’t worry my sweet, I can baste you all day. Oh, I haven’t felt this alive since my tawdry fling with Jack on Halloween!”
Newberry has reportedly decided to introduce Griselda to his family during their Zoom call later this evening.
