CDC officials were left confused and thoroughly disgusted after former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani reportedly shed his outer layer of skin to escape the grasp of White House contact tracers.
“I thought we finally had him this time but when I grabbed a hold of his wrist to stop him from running, he sloughed off his skin and slithered away into a nearby sewer grate,” said CDC contract tracer Cary Bellamy, stepping out of a decontamination chamber. “We cornered him three weeks back but he sprayed this noxious, brown goo from his tear ducts that blinded the entire team. When I finally regained sight all that was left was a pair of clown loafers and a briefcase full of human hair.”
Officials warn that as long as Rudy Giuliani is on the loose, he is to be considered thoroughly disgusting and extremely dangerous.
“If you see Rudy Giuliani in the wild it is vital that you call 911, and do not under any circumstances attempt to apprehend him yourself, we cannot stress this enough,” said CDC spokesperson Wanda Perez. “When threatened, the former Mayor may deploy any number of toxic defense mechanisms, ranging from emitting a powerful nerve agent from his pores to soiling himself and utilizing his stool as a projectile. Even trace exposure to this noxious creature can send a healthy person into anaphylactic shock. Exposure to Rudy Giuliani has resulted in vomiting, diarrhea, boils, permanent loss of smell, and the corrosion of American democracy.”
Officials hope that Rudy Giuliani will soon be able to be returned to his permanent habitat of Rikers Island.
