While public mask debates continue across the nation, a local man was reportedly quite impressed with the courtesy shown to him by the axe-wielding maniac that appeared in his doorway who thoughtfully wore a mask during his attempted murder.
“I’ve got enough to worry about this year between COVID and this lumbering, dead-eyed maniac trying to murder me, and I gotta say I just really appreciate that he valued the safety of those around him enough to put on a mask,” said Toby Gardner, barricading himself in his bathroom as the dull thud of an axe repeated against the door. “Sure, it might seem like a small gesture while he’s attempting to cleave a rusty hatchet into my skull, but not all sadistic monsters are that considerate. I’m looking at you, Mitch McConnell.”
As the horrifying axe murderer dragged the shrieking man into his dank basement lair by a thoughtfully prepared six foot length of rope, Gardner couldn’t help but notice the courteous touches the maniac had put in place in the name of public safety.
“He’s got clear plastic tarps hanging up to prevent the spread of droplets, and look at this collection of masks he’s got on his wall,” said Gardner, hanging upside down from a coil of barbed wire wrapped around his ankle deep inside the maniac’s torture dungeon. “There’s one made from a rotting pig’s head, that one’s made from a stitched together collage of human faces, that one’s a—oh ew, a New England Patriots mask—watch out folks, we got a real psycho on our hands, am I right? If this cackling maniac brandishing a deadly arsenal of rusty objects intent on skinning me alive can show enough courtesy to wear a mask, I certainly think Karen at Costco can.”
Gardner was also reportedly quite impressed with the hand sanitizer station placed next to the surgical tray full of bloody farm tools.
