Just as his network hit the highest ratings in cable news history, Fox News host Tucker Carlson was seen running and shrieking from his bathroom to his safe room after reportedly chanting “antifa” three times in the mirror.
“That witch Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told him on Twitter that if he wanted to interview The Antifa General Final Boss, all he would need to do is sprinkle his bathroom mirror with water, twirl and chant ‘antifa’ three times each,” said Fox News spokesman Rick Lackey. “This is why you can’t trust women, only men as pure of heart and mind as Tucker. We’ll have him back on air tonight as soon as we give him a warm bath, a Trump-flavored lollipop, and the latest unsubstantiated claims on Hunter Biden to soothe his jostled nerves.”
Hair still wet from his bath, Carlson appeared on his show today shivering in a white terry cloth robe from home to recount his harrowing experience of what he claims was an assassination attempt by mirror-conjured antifa ghoul.
“The liberal media will tell you that what I saw was the reflection of my wife’s bathrobe hanging from the bathroom door,” Carlson said. “That’s what the democratic enablers want you to believe because once they can manifest their sick anarchist heroes into the sacred sanctuaries of America’s most hallowed bathrooms, well, then they’ve won. Do you feel comfortable having a poo while mobs of anarchists make your bathroom their new CHAZ? That’s the future Joe Biden wants for you. Good night, and may God have mercy on your bowels.”
As the news host continues to shelter-in-place out of an abundance of caution, Tucker also asked his audiences to send thoughts and prayers to his injured wife who wasn’t able to make it into the safe room with him before its door slammed shut on her face.
