Within 24 hours of the Seattle City Council defunding the local police budget and Police Chief Carmen Best’s resignation, a plume of white tear gas emerging from a tiny chimney atop City Hall is signaling Mayor Jenny Durkan has already chosen the blue brotherhood’s new leader.
“It was clear at least one of us had to go, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be me!” said Mayor Durkan while laughing and spinning in a presumptuous confetti of shredded recall petitions at a sunny morning press conference. “Sorry, Bestie, that’s just the way the consent degree crumbles. Now, I’m not yet announcing who is next to lead our local brigade of trigger-happy judge-jury-and-executioners, but I assure you they’ll have you on your knees praying for mercy very soon.”
While Mayor Durkan continued gleefully pitching canisters of white teargas into the chimney furnace for all to see, the Seattle Police Officer’s Guild held its own announcement outside.
“We pray our new leader has the strength to lead and protect we monks of the riot gear cloth as sinners who know not what they do slash our paltry $400 million budget by $4 million. We can’t just qualify for a $1.4 billion PPP loan like the Catholic church, you know,” said Guild President Mike Solan. “We are but a humble police department with only an $800k mine-resistant military tank. Although we’re completely free to make decisions with what’s left of our funds including firing officers with the longest misconduct records, I fear for some vague reason that we’re being forced by umbrella-point to lay off all of our officers of color instead. While we are utterly distraught Best was the first to go, we’ll always fondly remember the way she only talked the walk in countless press conferences and police propaganda videos.”
Thick clouds of tear gas spewing from the chimney were reportedly seen wafting into nearby apartments, where residents were seen shedding uncontrollable tears of anticipation for the next era of Seattle Police Department leadership.
