Local Instagram influencer Megan Murray has garnered public praise in health and wellness circles today after finally spilling the secrets of her highly successful nightly self-care routine: a regimented schedule of switching to a series of marginally smaller electronic devices.
“Ladies, you follow this regimen and I guarantee you’ll have the best three hours of uninterrupted sleep of your life,” said Megan Murray, also known as MindfulMeg on Instagram. “I adhere to a nightly screen cleanse detox that starts with moving from TV to my laptop. After 10 p.m. is strictly tablet time—anything bigger and you’ll be risking unwanted late-night binges on Netflix. At about 11 p.m., you’ll want to cool down with your Kindle, then abandon that self-help book after five minutes with one last hour-long Insta scroll on your iPhone. Finally, spend 30 minutes fretting about how you missed your step goal on your Apple Watch. Et voilà! Time to pop an Ambien.”
Sleep experts are increasingly agreeing that all hope for other forms of self-care in the evening – taking a bath, reading a physical book, and looking into the eyes of a real person – are so far-fetched at this point they’re hardly worth recommending anymore.
“I know it’s a long-shot for most people, but if you can even get to a point where you can fall sleep without cuddling your cellphone like a childhood teddy bear, you’re miles ahead of most people,” said sleep expert Dr. Renee Wilkins.
Murray says later this week she’ll also be releasing her energizing daily self-care routine of opening up as many social media newsfeeds as possible first thing in the morning.
