As the NFL forges ahead with its planned regular season, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that they have secured a record-breaking sponsorship deal with Gatesville as the official casket partner of the National Football League.
“Our number one priority has always been pretending that our number one priority is taking care of our players, coaches, and staff,” said Goodell. “So this year’s been pretty tough. I’ve been on my mega-yacht for months wondering, how do you pretend to take a global pandemic seriously enough to get the players back on the field while still safely allowing our team owners to profit? One way: Tossing up a Hail Mary to the fine folks at Gatesville who are guaranteeing a free casket to each and every NFL employee who ends up going to Disneyland in the sky a little sooner than the rest of us.”
Gatesville has reportedly been busy preparing the new line of specialty caskets for the NFL’s premier athletes and their fans for the last several months.
“From the slimmest cornerbacks to the league’s most robust linemen, these heavy-duty caskets are the only vessels sturdy enough to carry these athletes through the red zone of our mortal plane,” said Fred Caville, spokesperson for Gatesville Caskets. “And Gatesville caskets aren’t just for players – they’re for fans too! That’s right: Just enter code COVIDCATCH at checkout and you’ll receive 10% off our Fan Farewell package. We’ll even include your favorite team’s logo on your casket at no extra cost, so that the good Lord above knows you were always a Cowboys fan.”
Due to perpetual social distancing that was already in place before the pandemic, Goodell later confirmed that the free casket policy would not apply to kickers.
