Mere hours after Amazon announced that they had bought Key Arena and renamed it Climate Pledge Arena, Jeff Bezos announced that the sign was to be dismantled for violating the tech company’s long-standing policy against climate-change whistleblowers.
“The new sign seemed to be saying that major corporations should be doing more to fight climate change than paying lip service to environmentalism – a message Amazon did not approve to send to the general public. Now everyone has misunderstood our intent,” said Amazon Founder and CEO Jeff Bezos. “Oh no, my sweet little lambs, when we said we were making a ‘climate pledge’ we never said that statement would be pro-environment. I pledge to all of you that I’m going to fuck your planet in half and there’s not a goddamn thing any of you can do about to stop me. Go ahead, pray to your feeble little God: Amazon is offering two-day express shipping to climate change-induced hell. When I’m done with this planet, the only sustainable resource left will be the steady supply of desperate human labor crawling over each other for the chance to suckle at my benevolent teat.”
New names being considered for the venue now include The Greenhouse, Key A-Greeena, and Alexa: Play Hockey. Amazon said it wished things had worked out with Climate Pledge Arena, though.
“If the sign had wanted to voice its disapproval with current Amazon policies it would have been free to dim itself and collapse from the premises at any time,” said Amazon spokesperson Ken Paulson. “Instead it violated its NDA and publicly sullied the reputation of its benevolent creator and employer. Amazon proudly emits 51 million metric tons of carbon dioxide per year– more than the country of Norway. Do you know how small Norway is? It’s like, one of the smallest countries! It could frankly be a lot worse, and we at Amazon won’t stand for enormous neon libel from our own employees.”
Needling reporters later confirmed that while the new arena name was to be determined, the employee who suggested ‘Key A-Greena’ would be forever enshrined in the building’s concrete foundation.
