Following several harrowing months of being deprived the capitalist comforts guaranteed to her by the United States Constitution, a newly liberated Kent woman has heroically returned to her essential work as a prolific, one-star Yelp reviewer.
“I thought we could enjoy a nice meal after being locked up like political prisoners, subjected to the inhumane conditions of our own homes, but boy was I wrong!” wrote Bethany Twiddle, in her first post-quarantine review. “First, we were 45 minutes late, so you would think that our table would be ready by then! But no. Then our waiter was wearing so many masks that I could barely hear what he was saying, and the rustling from his protective gown made from a literal garbage bag made it impossible to enjoy my meal! He apologized for the wait because two of the cooks died last week, but I’m sorry–that’s just not good enough! I know about your little $2 ‘hero’ pay, so don’t expect a full tip.”
While Twiddle’s frothing tirade filled up Yelp’s 5,000-word limit before spilling over onto her personal Facebook page, her server had a slightly different interpretation of the events.
“Well, first she ordered a Bloomin’ Onion and then practically flipped the table when I told her this wasn’t an Outback Steakhouse,” said Michael Lopez, server at Applebee’s. “I had to Frankenstein that shit together from unused fajita onions and mozzarella sticks myself. Honestly, it didn’t seem like she could tell the difference until she coughed on my one-dollar tip and told me not to ‘spread it all in one place.’”
Twiddle has reportedly already moved on to a litany of other negative reviews including a critical, zero-star bashing of her experience at a local COVID-19 testing site.
