While picking up an anxiety-reducing ThunderShirt for his dog ahead of tonight’s neighborhood firework displays, a local man utterly traumatized by 2020 decided he better just get one for himself to wear while trembling under their bed tonight too.
“I got a small ThunderShirt for Mitzi and this XL for Great Danes should do the trick for me,” said Kevin Peters, strapping himself into his canine anxiety vest. “Honestly, I think I’m going to wear this thing for the rest of the year too. Between the global pandemic that sent me into quarantine for four months, Kobe dying, the President being a white supremacist, the economic recession, lunatics protesting against masks, murder hornets, and no sports, this year has kind of been a lot. Also did you know that America was like, really, really racist? That was a tough one. I’m kind of hanging on by a thread here, and I don’t want to find out if a teenager detonating a mailbox with an M-80 will be the thing that finally makes me crack.”
As the horrific grind of 2020 continues to reduce America’s citizens to whimpering puddles on their bathroom floors, dog clothing manufacturer ThunderShirt has announced that a new human-sized line is on the way.
“ThunderShirt has already helped thousands of our precious puppers get through America’s penchant for explosive holiday revelry, so why shouldn’t our loving pet parents enjoy a nice swaddling during tough times too?” said Ben Henderson, spokesperson for ThunderShirt. “Our new ‘Hooman’ line of ThunderShirts applies gentle pressure to calm anxiety during scary events like thunderstorms, fireworks, gunfire, or the swift erosion of our democracy during a global pandemic overseen by incompetent fascists that don’t care if you live or die. With the comforting, perpetual hug provided by your new ThunderShirt, you and your fragile psyche will be prepared to face the horrors to come in the second half of the year.”
Henderson later announced that they were also producing a new ‘Good Fucking Luck’ line of ThunderShirts for cats.
