After almost four months of stay-at-home orders amid this year’s deadly coronavirus pandemic, local residents say Washington State has finally been approved for Phase Fuck It.
“That’s not what I said, guys–don’t make me ground you again,” said Gov. Jay Inslee at a Monday afternoon press conference. “I said King County could open up a little bit more to Phase 2 and Yakima is yikes. We still need to be smart and careful to reduce transmission rates and unnecessary deaths.”
Word of Phase Fuck It came as an immediate relief to residents across the state who no longer felt the need to take masks, social distancing, and how they visit older family members seriously anymore.
“The first weekend of summer was WILD!” said Shawn Martin, 29. “Saturday night I drank and danced at a house party all night with a bunch of people and hooked up with a few. Then I spent Father’s Day laughing, singing, and eating the day away in my parents’ living room without any masks on–just like coronavirus never happened and isn’t currently spiking nationwide. Quarantine is OVER, guys!”
A flustered Gov. Inslee continues to insist there still is no cure or solid treatment to help people severely sick with the extremely transmissible airborne virus.
“Despite what President Trump has repeatedly alleged, multiple drug trials of Denial have shown it not to be effective in fighting this deadly disease,” Inslee said. “Our frontline medical staff still don’t have enough PPE as it is. To keep everyone as safe as possible, I’m gonna need all of you on-board for wearing masks and carefully socializing in small groups to keep this pandemic under control.”
By press time, at least 50 people had already RSVPed for Martin’s New Wave Corona-Karaoke Jam at his Alki studio apartment.
