As August’s Democratic National Convention draws near, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden has secured another important endorsement today from a local representative who took the time to quietly mumble faint praise under her breath so as not to draw explicit attention to the announcement.
“Considering the truly horrific alternative presented by the incumbent candidate, I’m obligated to announce that I will be endorsing … well, endorse is a strong word,” said Rep. Cindy Thompson in a mumbled whisper. “I suppose I will not be opposing an endorsement for former Vice President Joe Biden. I’m truly whelmed by the vague policies that Mr. Biden brings to the table. I only hope that another prominent endorsement can arrive between now and his next cringeworthy gaffe, so that mine may slip by unnoticed in our perpetually churning newscycle.”
Upon securing this important endorsement, Biden took a moment to publicly thank Rep. Thompson for her subdued support.
“I’m truly honored to accept Rep. Thompson’s endorsement for the presidency—I mean brains like that on top of those rockin’ cans? Golly, save some of the good genes for the uggos out there,” said a slurring Biden, quickly straying from his teleprompter. “But seriously, it’s important that we focus on the issues at hand. These hands right here, I call them Trouble and Maker—and, boy, there’s gonna be fireworks when these boys get acquainted with that fat orange fuck on Election Day this year on December 13. Everybody can catch these hands, especially those two doughy little Trump boys, Donnie Jr. and Eric. Eric, who’s that playing your Nintendo while wearing your mom’s silk robe? It’s your new Step Daddy-Elect. Now go get me an O’Douls, you pale-ass Krispy Kreme lookin’ paperboy.”
A Gallup Poll following the announcement showed that while Biden’s cavalier sexism hurt him among female voters, threatening to kick the shit out of Donald Trump’s sons prompted an astronomical spike in his approval ratings nationwide.
