President Donald Trump took a momentary pause from cowering in his bunker today to issue a stern message to Seattle’s Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) occupants, tweeting that its “violent thugs” were just fortunate he’s not personally able to come out there with his nunchucks “blazing.”
“If I hadn’t busted my nunchucks fighting off an assassination attempt from ninjas last night Walker Texas Ranger-style, you better believe I’d be out there in Seattle caving in the skulls of every one of those Antifa sons of bitches,” said President Trump, wiping Cool Ranch Dorito dust on his white robe. “I’ve converted the Presidential Emergency Operations Center into a dojo, so I’m ready to take out all the anarchists like you wouldn’t believe. Gassy Jenny and all her Antifa soldiers should probably just stoop and go home now if they know what’s good for them.”
Though bone spurs helped the president receive five draft deferments during the Vietnam War, he says it’s only a conspiracy produced by the “lamestream media” and ninjas.
“The liberal fake news media would have you believe I dodged the draft, but everyone knows I went on a secret mission to avenge the death of my Shidoshi at an international ninja deathmatch in CHINA,” Trump said, clearly recounting the plot from the 1988 cult classic film, Bloodsport. “I beat up all the guys from CHINA, but then President Chong Li treated me extremely unfairly, more unfairly than anyone has ever been treated in the history of Kumite when he threw salt in my eyes, but I exploded his heart with the Dim Mak Death Touch. A lot of very smart people say it was the greatest performance in history. Also, Scaredy Jay Inslee was there and he got so scared he peed himself. SAD.”
To advise him regarding the ongoing situation in CHAZ, Needling sources confirmed that Trump has summoned from Tibet Russian envoy to the U.S, Sensei Steven Seagal.
