A mere 24 hours after Mayor Jenny Durkan declared a 30-day ban on the use of tear gas, the Mayor’s Office assured the people of Seattle that the gas deployed at yesterday’s Black Lives Matter protest in Capitol Hill was not tear gas, but merely sparkling nose irritants.
“I never lied to the people of Seattle – tear gas is only produced in the Téar region of France. What we are deploying is technically classified as ‘Sparkling Nasal Irritant’ from Napa Valley,” Durkan told reporters from her mansion veranda after Sunday brunch. “Furthermore, I clearly stated in Friday’s press conference that the Seattle Police Department would stop using tear gas for a 30-day period—I never said that no one would be able to gas the citizens of Seattle. This provision empowers nearly every other state employee to lightly choke protestors with similar yet technically different gas variants, including the National Guard, our SWAT teams, State Patrol, private security, and Ted from Accounting. Light ‘em up, Ted!”
Seattle Police Chief Carmen Best also released a statement to announce additional new crowd control and safety measures.
“We’ve heard all of you loud and clear, so I am proud to announce that we will no longer be using scary-sounding weapons like flashbangs and rubber bullets either,” said Chief Best. “From now on, we will only conduct unnecessary crowd control as a test of our power with glittery pops and bouncy boppers. They all produce the same effects on people, but we wanted to show how much we care by putting in the effort to gaslight you as well.”
Chief Best cautioned protesters to expect more glittery pops and bouncy boppers if they do not promptly act on all directions from law enforcement, especially Ted from Accounting.
