After a string of violent incidents against unarmed consumers, popular plush toy Officer Teddy has been recalled due to the extreme choking hazard he presents to children, parents, and generally anyone that wanders into his adorable little outbursts of extrajudicial violence.
“Every time we got a complaint about him choking a nine-year-old, we sent them a letter assuring that it’s just one bad apple and not all Officer Teddys are a choking hazard. But, sure enough, five days later their new Teddy has kicked their dog and is choking Grandma,” said Bert Lambert, spokesperson for Hasbro Toys. “At first, we didn’t know what else to do except arm Officer Teddy with more weapons in the hopes that he’d feel safe enough to stop lashing out like this. But, for some reason, it just got worse.”
While toy manufacturers are scrambling to justify Officer Teddy’s violent impulses towards its vulnerable consumer base, local police have assured that the ruthless plush plaything is behaving exactly as intended.
“I don’t see the fucking problem, you comply with the increasingly violent demands of a teddy bear, or you get assaulted, what’s so unreasonable about that?” said Sergeant Murray of the Seattle Police Department. “You pull his ripcord and Officer Teddy clearly demands you get on your knees, so you get on your knees. If kids don’t want to get choked, all they gotta do is submit to the arbitrary authority bestowed upon this plush bear by the police and the Hasbro corporation. Officer Teddy mistakes your ice cream cone for a weapon and cracks you over the head with a nightstick, and that’s his fault? Shame on your mother for giving you ice cream this close to bedtime, and if you think about it, you should thank him for protecting you against childhood diabetes. Officer Teddy is just doing it because he wuvs you, so be a good little tyke and comply, okay?”
Needling reporters have confirmed that due to continued public backlash, Officer Teddy has been programmed to briefly film inspiring viral propaganda videos portraying him kneeling in solidarity and hugging protesters, before promptly beating the shit out of them with clubs, car doors, tear gas, rubber bullets, flash bangs, feet, fists, vehicles, shields, and the enormous weight of our militarized police forces.
