One man’s victorious high from looting a Downtown Seattle business during Saturday’s protests came to an abrupt end this morning when he realized all he’d stolen were some shitty clothes from Old Navy, which he promptly returned to the store today folded.
“I was so excited for the five-finger-discount flash sale that started as soon as those idiot police officers got too distracted teargassing and macing peaceful protesters,” said the looter, who wished to stay anonymous. “Disoriented by the chaos myself, I thought I broke a window into an H&M – always a go-to for timeless and affordable fashion pieces. But when I got home, all I had was this lame Old Navy gear. I can’t be seen throwing a brick through a window in a performance fleece half-zip and high-rise slim-straight jeans next time. All the guys are gonna make fun of me!”
The looter told The Needling that yesterday’s pillaging of Old Navy wasn’t a complete loss, though.
“I may have needed to return the clothes, but I’m not returning the silver mannequin those jeans were on,” the looter said. “Her name is Lucy and she may have no arms, but that doesn’t mean she can’t do better than Old Navy too.”
