Sources are reporting that local boomer parents Sam and Pam Daniels were caught allegedly sneaking out of the house today for a mid-afternoon dinner special at approximately 4 p.m. by their furious millennial daughter, Chelsea.
“How dare you! I’ve been shopping and delivering hand-washed groceries to you for four weeks to shelter your precious immune systems from a deadly global pandemic and you were going to risk your entire lives to go where?!” yelled Chelsea. “If you say IHOP, I swear to fucking God …”
Chelsea’s parents were reportedly less than remorseful.
“I’m 65 now — you can’t tell me what to do anymore!” said Pam. “First you told me to stop wearing essential oil garlic necklaces like the internet said I should, then you said we can’t do potlucks with our friends anymore. Now we can’t even leave the house to pick up a few Grand Slams?”
Chelsea shook her head.
“Look, maybe when you’re a little older and you stop believing anything from Fox News, but for right now, no,” said Chelsea.
As similar altercations pop up around the country, Dr. Ann Shapiro, a University of Washington psychologist, weighed in.
“Boomer brains are in a delicate developmental stage. They’re easily influenced by anything their peers copy and paste into a Facebook post or pull out of their own ass for that matter,” Dr. Shapiro said. “In general, media literacy rates are not very high.”
In terms of keeping boomers safe during these difficult times, Dr. Shapiro recommends limiting access to false information.
“Luckily, this doesn’t have to be difficult. With my parents, it’s as easy as unplugging the cord from the WiFi router. Don’t worry – they’ll never figure it out.”
