Much needed help materialized for coronavirus-inundated medical staff today when local billionaire and reluctant philanthropist Jeff Bezos arrived at Harborview Medical Center with truckloads of oozing Amazon prime boxes stuffed with two million human lungs.
“Look, you sniveling, ungrateful cur, do you want to ask where they came from, or do you want the two million human lungs?” Jeff Bezos snarled, berating a bewildered Harborview’s Chief Nursing Officer. “The coronavirus is a respiratory infection, I have brought you a veritable fucking cornucopia of respiratory organs — I fail to see what the problem is. Let me guess, you were hoping I would just turn up with a cure? Well, it just so happens that I’ve developed one, it’s just unfortunately wedged into the grooves of my boot. I’d ask you to be a little lamb and probe the sole with your grimy little peasant tongue and help free it, you infinitesimal little cave eel. But this one’s just for me — ta-ta!”
The donation came the same day Amazon announced a foray into the medical technology and health services industry with its newest initiative, Amazon Organ Services.
“At Amazon, we’re proud to ship nearly two million packages per
day, but it’s not our automated network of rapidly distributed capitalist
diversions or the crushing economic weight we can leverage for favorable
legislation that makes us who we are — it’s the human corpuscle that is truly
our greatest asset,” said Betty Powers, spokesperson for Amazon Organ Services.
“We’re proud to share that our AOS endeavor is capable of optimizing the
retrieval and distribution of a truly remarkable amount of human slurry at our
Organ Fulfilment Centers. Given our nation’s current virulent business
opportunity, we would like to assure you that we stand by our promise of the
delivery of nebulous human tissue to your doorstep within two business days.”
Amazon has since announced its intention to hire hundreds of thousands of
additional employees to work in its nationwide network of Distribution Centers.
