Amid chaotic crisis planning to mitigate a global pandemic, Vice President Mike Pence has reportedly also found the time to quietly ask the FDA to remove the ‘obscene little buttholes’ found on common navel oranges.
“How am I supposed to concentrate on consulting the scriptures about this contemptible Oriental plague when I can’t stop thinking about those horrid little oranges puckering up and blowing Satan’s dirty kisses all over my kitchen?” Pence is heard asking on a leaked recording. “I’ve asked Mother to turn the oranges’ butthole down in the bowl, but I know they’re still in there … just winking at me. Oh Heavens, Mother, please get Stephen Hahn on the phone, surely the FDA can do some of that GMO stuff to smooth them out? Which lobbyist do we need to hire to make this happen?”
The Vice President allegedly remained so preoccupied with the indecent nature of the ‘little orange miscreants’ he even missed an emergency cabinet meeting discussing how quickly military R&D could shoot missiles at the coronavirus.
“Begone from my kitchen you little citrus temptress!” Pence could also be heard weeping on the recording, tossing what sounds like a bowl of oranges across the room. “Why, oh Lord in Heaven, why must you test me so! I was reaching for my glass of milk and my finger grazed its quivering orange orifice, and now my purity has been tarnished! Maybe…maybe just a taste of its sweet, juicy nectar…no, no! You like milk, Michael Richard Pence. Milk is pure, milk is clean, milk has no butthole. Just soothing, clean, white and holy cream. Mother, I’m going to need my flagellation kit! Oh these thoughts, they’re particularly wicked this time. The world can’t know how much I love orange assholes. Pain and milk will wash the sin away. Pain and milk will wash the sin away, pain and milk will wash the sin away!”
Vice President Pence was unable to be reached for a follow-up comment, last seen pleading with Stephen Hahn to do something about the little nipples on lemons.
