With Easter looming and no end to the Coronavirus pandemic in sight, Fox News political pundits have begun to surmise that a sacrifice of the holiday’s famed Easter Bunny might be necessary to keep the American economic machine humming.
“The fact is, if we want to save the US economy, we’re going to have to be willing to sacrifice some of our oldest and most beloved holiday mascots to the heavens,” said Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, appearing on Tucker Carlson Tonight. “Look, I love the Easter Bunny, but I think that if the Easter Bunny were here right now, he’d say that he’d be willing to do anything including dying to stimulate the US economy. So maybe eventually the Easter Bunny dies alone drowning in his own lung fluid — the free market will adapt! If you think about it in as twisted a way as I do, there’s really no other better way for that bunny to honor Jesus.”
Tucker Carlson ended the segment by turning his gaze to the camera and delivering his impassioned plea to slay the Easter Bunny and potentially other beloved holiday characters for the sake of the nation’s suffering stock portfolios.
“Do you want the ashes of their portfolios on your hands?” shrieked a hysteric Carlson, wiping spittle from his bowtie. “I would strangle Punxsutawney Phil with my bare hands if it meant a 2 percent spike in the NASDAQ. I wake up every morning and thank God we have a President who would throttle that shitty little beaver without hesitation to protect the interests of the brave CEOs and hedge fund managers putting their lives on the line every single day to stand up to the tyranny of human empathy.”
Tucker Carlson Tonight ended with a promo for tomorrow night’s special edition, “Mass Graves: Liberal Hoax or The Cost-Effective Mortar of Boomtown, USA?”
