Extra blankets at the ready and tea kettle bubbling, Fremont couple Henry and June Culbert’s cozy nights have rapidly turned to quiet desperation as the prolonged coronavirus quarantine has threatened to deplete their well-stocked hygge reserves.
“We’ve been using our new oil diffuser non-stop, but now the only scent we have left is Ocean Slurry,” said Henry, opening the refrigerator door for the ninth time, absently hoping several soup ingredients turn themselves into a warm soup. “We’re down to burning sage from the roaches of our old sage sticks, and our liquor cabinet is starting to get a little bare after making Quaran-tinis and Pneu-Mojitos for our coronavirus-themed cocktail night.”
Meanwhile, June has started to worry that her own stockpile of cozy diversions have been exhausted.
“I burned through all the candles reading Where’d You Go, Bernadette? three times. We’ve done every puzzle in the house, even that maddening grayscale Grey’s Anatomy puzzle,” she said, aimlessly combing a puzzle piece through Patrick Dempsey’s hair. “The Great British Bake-Off, Queer Eye, Cheer — all the good streaming shit is already gone. I’ve been on Pinterest all day and I think I’ve reached the limit on how many fake Albert Einstein and Marilyn Monroe quotes a human being can pin. Do you know how many cute craft projects for all your excess toilet paper tubes are on Pinterest right now? Fucking thousands, but it’ll be weeks until we have enough saved up for the toilet-paper tube tiara I’ve got my eye on.”
At press time, the Culberts were surviving the evening by mixing scented candle drippings.
