In lieu of last year’s city-incapacitating snowpocalypse, Seattle’s ongoing deluge of liquid rain is once again giving local natives the upper hand on handling winter weather while Midwest transplants are forced to leave their snow and ice-themed barbs in their sheaths.
“Not so funny when water is in a liquid state of street-flooding matter is it you smug little bastards?” said Seattle native Ashley Perkins, gleefully chuckling at the soggy pedestrians while canoeing down Pike St. “Tables have turned now, motherfuckers! I can’t believe these people don’t know how to canoe through downtown traffic, I mean, can you believe this Kansas asshole struggling to get to Capitol Hill by canoeing up that steep hill on Cherry like a spawning salmon? Everyone knows you paddle up Eastlake then turn on Belmont, idiot.”
Aside from a short snow spell in early January, the year’s winter was mostly free of icy roads, perplexing Midwest transplants accustomed to mocking Seattle natives for all manner of snow-related infractions.
“Whatever, Seattle people can’t even drive in the rain, either,” said Michigan-born transplant Stacy Buchanan, clinging to an inflatable raft overturned in a flooded ditch. “This will freeze over eventually, and then we’ll see who’s laughing. Right now I’ve got the next two hours booked to complain about every aspect of living in Seattle to co-workers who I don’t initially realize are from here, and then the next hour complaining about how it’s somehow really hard to make friends. But after that, my schedule is wide open to mock every last one of you. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the bumper cars at the sign of the first flake, or cancelling school if so much as a fleck of baby powder hits the sidewalk, oh just you wait. Winter is coming, assholes.”
Canoe traffic on both lanes of I-5 to Everett is still expected to last for several hours.
