Fresh off of winning Jeopardy’s Greatest of All Time Tournament in dominant fashion, newly crowned champion Ken Jennings reportedly spent last night rampaging through Seattle on a knowledge-boasting bender, siphoning pointless questions from various trivia events across the city.
“We heard he was tearing through a Flatstick Pub Quiz and heading this way, but our group wasn’t able to separate our checks in time to escape,” said Herb Charlton, local pub quiz enthusiast. “He kicked the door open and yelled ‘Who’s ready for the smooth intellectual stylings of Kenny J., baby!’ before grabbing the quiz paper from my hands and correcting all my answers. All in all, it was really impressive that he got everything right, but pretty embarrassing nonetheless.”
The Needling’s reporters finally caught up to the Jeopardy champion at Fremont’s George and the Dragon Pub by following a trail of novelty trophies and drink vouchers earned at various quizzes throughout the night.
“I’ll take Victory Lap for $1 million: ‘Symbelwlonc’ is an Old English term for the jovial activity the Greatest of All Time Jeopardy Champ will be partaking in tonight. Hmm, let me think … what is getting fucking wasted, Alex!” shouted Jennings, grabbing the mic from the quiz master. “I got another spelling bee to crash in twenty minutes, so let’s save everyone a little time here: Mesopotamia, The Grand Coulee Dam, Sammy Hagar, and the Blue Power Ranger. I fucking love knowledge, woo! Bask in the power of learning, motherfuckers! Everybody say it with me: Cog-ni-tion! Cog-ni-tion! Cog-ni-tion! Fuck yeah, Jennings out!”
The next morning, Jennings was reportedly found in a Mox Boarding House, spooning a deluxe edition of Trivial Pursuit.
