With bated breath to avoid airborne infection, audiences watched with awe as President Donald Trump awarded another Presidential Medal of Freedom today to the legendary Mucinex Booger.
“They called you a disgusting disease dedicated to making millions of lives harder if not impossible to live, but that’s just because they don’t see what I see: A winner,” Trump said as his wife wrapped the honorary badge around an area his neck should have been. “No matter the virus – the common cold, flu, or shameless racism and sexism – you were there to make every environment the American people inhabit more toxic than you left it.”
The vile, disgusting, hateful creature dripped with goo and pride as the President went on gushing about the famously stubborn mucus.
“You exemplify our nation’s greatest values almost as well as I do,” the President continued, loudly sucking the dregs of a milkshake through a straw into the microphone. “Being famous and sticking around where we’re unwanted longer than any healthy person wants us to.”
Harvey Weinstein was reportedly also considered for the prestigious honor, but was unable to attend the ceremony due to an enormous veterinarian cone protecting him from bothering his three broken arms and a hysterectomy just hours before his last scheduled court appearance.
