Hundreds of commuting cars crowded around one adorable cyclist today who was delusionally acting like the streets of Seattle are meant for him too.
“Aw, look at this athletic guy on his lightweight Italian road bike taking up an entire lane of traffic on a two-way street with countless 5,000-pound, gas-guzzling hunks of metal stalling behind him,” said Rose Heller, sitting in a 2007 Ford Taurus driver seat after sitting for eight hours at work. “It’s okay: We’ll let him think wearing a helmet is all he needs to be safe on this road right now.”
While drivers waited to ascend an uphill residential street behind him, all craned their necks out their windows to coo at the little biker who could.
“You can do it!” Heller yelled. “Would probably be faster if you just gave up and walked up the sidewalk instead, but that would be quitting! Look at that bum pumping. He might be breaking 5 mph there!”
Mayor Jenny Durkan found the display of fossil fuel-free commuting unbearably cute as well.
“We’ve been telling anyone we can that we’ve got a bike-friendly city here because of how many roads we’ve got faded bike sharrows painted on, and it looks like some people actually believe us,” said Durkan at an afternoon press conference. “As long as we keep on building short spans of safe, dedicated bike paths that inevitably dump cyclists back onto roads they’re forced to share with cars, we’ll keep on seeing bikers like this all over the city – adorbs, right?!”
Drivers unfortunately lost sight of the wacky biker once he met his connection to the Burke-Gilman Trail, leaving them in thick traffic.
“Silly car commuters,” the biker told The Needling before continuing home. “Driving is for suckers.”
