Following the apparent passage of Tim Eyman’s I-976 last week, initiative supporters are celebrating by covering up the rumbling sounds of crumbling public transportation infrastructure on their daily commutes with moans of pleasure the state’s GOP says “only a precious new $30 car tab cap can give.”
“We wants our thirty dollarses car-tabses capses, we needs our thirty dollarses…our almost no taxeses … our tunnel-visionses … our precious,” hissed Dave Johnson, daily commuter and I-976 supporter. “Dave loves his precious, but they wants to take Dave’s public transportation-guttings car-tabses capses. We won’t lets them, will we, precious? We’re on to those filthy, stupid progressiveses. They’ll never take our precious.”
Many commutes have started creeping into the late evening, with some motorists being forced to lick the condensation off their fogged-up windows, mindlessly stroking their thirty dollar car tabs as they rock themselves back and forth in what some are calling a slow but inevitable descent into pure madness.
“We’re already seeing commutes enter 13, 14 hours and motorists are understandably starting to go insane,” said Beth Paige, spokesperson for the Seattle Department of Transportation. “You see this all the time—your mind can only withstand so much time within a commute before it breaks entirely. These motorists have sacrificed their sanity for those $30 tabs, and it really shows.”
Regarding moans emanating from growing traffic jams, Eyman released a statement assuring residents that all is well.
“I know these I-976 supporters of mine are starting to get harder to understand, so please allow me to translate what I think they’re trying to say to you: It roughly translates into ‘Fuck you, I got mine,’” said Eyman. “While we’re at it, please allow me to translate some of my own recent gaslighting statements: I look forward to concocting my next state-budget-fucking scam because even though my trail of slime tracks back decades, y’all keep falling for it, you stupid, stupid, motherfuckers.”
