In what has become an annual Seward Park tradition, a group of die-hard holiday fun runners have once again turned to the bitter winter cold to escape the warm embrace of a loving home filled with family and friends.
“The Holiday Family Runaway 5K has been a smashing success the last few years, and we’re expecting our biggest turnout yet today,” said Kate Devlin, organizer for the popular fun run. “You wouldn’t believe the lengths people go through to get the fuck away from their family. It’s like 28 degrees out right now, there’s ice all over the road, and these folks show up right after presents are opened so they can jog around this frigid lake until their in-laws leave. Whoever said you can’t outrun your problems haven’t met these special athletes — it’s really quite inspiring.”
In keeping with the true purpose of holiday 5Ks, organizers have crammed as many time-consuming activities as possible into the day including unorganized sign-in stations, feeble attempts at securing race bib with the tiniest safety pins on the market, and carefully collecting free swag from the various booths without actually signing up for their products and services.
“I’ve been coming here for the last three years and have this down to an art,” said Reese Carlton, long-time holiday run enthusiast. “You get down here an hour early for the pre-run yoga warm-up, then the irritating speeches and shoutouts the organizers give while you’re all standing there freezing your ass off easily takes up another half an hour. Then you fake some calf tightness and slow your pace to a 10-minute mile, stop for some free hot cocoa and boom — you’ve wasted half the day! If I time this right, I might get back just in time to drive Aunt Clarice to the airport. Last year, she regaled me with the rollicking tale of her returning a single banana to the grocery store because it had started to brown. I might need to find a half marathon for next year.”
Next year, organizers say they’ll also be hosting a “Turkey Trot Away From Your Family 5K” three weeks after the 2020 presidential election.
