One of the Ghost of Christmas Future’s customary visits to a wealth-hoarding tycoon ended abruptly this morning after a brief glimpse into Jeff Bezos’ future revealed horrors so unimaginable that even the unfathomable spectre of eternity was reduced to a weeping puddle on the ground.
“I don’t know what that sick fuck did to the Ghost of Christmas Future, but he’s just been shuffling around the Well of Lost Souls in his bathrobe watching Great British Bake-Off and eating nothing but Hot Pockets ever since,” said Ghost of Christmas Present, reducing his voice to a whisper after looking over his shoulder. “Future told me that at least Ebeneezer Scrooge found a change of heart in his vision, reforming his business practices after seeing the terrible impact it was having on his employees. But Bezos? That sick bastard was taking notes the whole time, trying to optimize his fucked up torture factories.”
In The Needling’s exclusive interview with Future, he said the terrors to come could not be exaggerated.
“It is my burden to witness that which is but has yet to be ordained, to offer sight to wicked men so that they may forge a new path,” the Ghost of Christmas Future gasped in a hoarse, ethereal whisper that resounded from everywhere and nowhere at all. “Visions of the Mongol hordes sweeping through the steppes, reducing villages to a pale, swirling dust lit by the embers leaping off of the burning corpses. The trenches of the Great War, thick with mud and the blood of the young and able thrown to the threshing maw of machine gun fire and shrapnel, all draining into a thick sargassum of despair. I have seen what lies under Donald Trump’s toupee: It’s … well it’s kind of like a dozen hairy moles have merged into one super-mole — really kind of extraordinary. Spongy to the touch, and there’s kind of a swampy smell to it, like a souffle made of vomit. Anyways, I have seen these terrible things and so very much more, but I have seen nothing this terrible in a millennia. What that sick son of a bitch Bezos has planned for the world? You should all be very, very afraid.”
Based on his own visit with Bezos, Present said it may already be too late to change the course of history.
“I thought I messed up our vision and had accidentally taken us to the horrible future of human misery and despair that we were trying to avoid,” Present said. “But it was just the Amazon Fulfillment Center in Troutdale, Oregon like two days ago. What the fuck, man.”
At press time, 12 Amazon Fulfillment Center workers had been fired for bathroom infractions that had not yet come to be.
