A Walmart in Kent treated a special group of early Black Friday shoppers to celebrity treatment this morning when they rolled out the Ceremonial Grandma for the shoppers to trample on before stomping their way to deep discounts and holiday deals.
“I mean, I expected to step on some hands, maybe someone’s head today, but this? I’m beyond touched,” said Jolene Jenkins, first in line for the Black Friday extravaganza. “You know, as a girl I had always dreamt that, one day, the nation’s insatiable corporations would tack a soulless consumption event onto the one day a year we’re meant to be grateful for what we already have, and normalize the ravenous spending frenzy that should leave us horrified at our collective hubris. I just never thought it would actually be me who would be served the honor of stepping on the weathered face of this frail octogenarian. Agnes, this Doc Martin is for you. It’s one small step on your Grandma, and one giant leap towards huge savings.”
As Black Friday competition grows each year, retailers have begun to resort to creative ways to abuse their captive staff in increasingly grotesque capitalist mechanisms in order to attract the wallets of would-be shoppers.
“We’ve largely scaled back our greeting staff, but we’ve retained a few of our most pliable elderly staff for special events such as these,” said Morton Burns, Walmart Event Coordinator. “Rest assured, we rotate our “Wal-Mats” so that none will be over-worked during their ground-greeting shift, coincidentally half an hour short of legal protections for benefits and breaks. At Wal-Mart, we’re a family, and we–Agnes, if you do not get back down on the ground and let that child wipe his muddy boots on your flaccid neck skin on his way to extravagant savings, I will have you on the next Senior Shuttle out of town, so help me God! Sorry about that. Anyways, you know as Sam Walton always said, ‘When you’re here buying stuff, we’re willing to pretend you’re family.’”
Meanwhile, early morning Best Buy shoppers were offered the opportunity to secure first dibs on an Oculus VR set in a misty morning battle royale.
