A clandestine Thanksgiving tradition was uncovered this week, as intrepid Needling reporters revealed that a cabal of wealthy Seattle Aquarium donors were treated to an Orc-Porp-Phin feast comprised of three endangered aquatic mammals tastefully crammed into one another.
“Our wealthy donors keep our bubblers on and our tanks teeming with increasingly scarce marine life, so certain concessions needed to be made to appease their extravagant appetites,” said Cathy Walburton, VP of Philanthropic Services for the Seattle Aquarium. “It started off innocent enough — a few puffin hors d’oeuvres, maybe some otter tartare. Before you knew it, they were demanding more. There was only one meal left: the fabled Orc-Porp-Phin. Sure, it’s ethically murky, but those three endangered mammals stuffed into one another will keep us swimming in sand dollars for another year.”
As marine life in our oceans have plummeted in recent years, Seattle Aquarium staff has had to get creative to keep their wealthy benefactors appeased.
“I donate millions to that overgrown fishbowl, so I’ll eat any combination of endangered sea critter I damn well please,” said Kevin Paul, tech magnate and endangered food enthusiast. “The deep-fried manatee we had last year was a huge disappointment, so they better step their game up if they want me to keep cutting checks. I know we’re all here for the Orc-Porp-Phin but I’m really looking forward to all the sides. Popcorn seahorse? All-you-can-club baby seal buffet? My stomach is already growling.”
Across town, it’s rumored that Woodland Park Zoo hosted their own donor Thanksgiving feast featuring a main entrée of Ele-Rhin-Gor.
