As the Seattle City Council race continues to heat up, emerging candidate Beff Jezos has surged in the polls following a slew of donations from Amazon. While his poll numbers grow, many have accused Jezos of being a planted candidate intended to enact favorable legislation for the tech giant.
“The claims that I’m an Amazon pawn are just preposterous,” said Jezos, adjusting his slumping mustache. “Why I’m just a simple country boy that spent his childhood attending popular motion pictures and buying industrially frozen television suppers at the local food emporium, just like you simple folk do every day. All I want to do is enable the fine industrialists at Amazon to better shower you with the pacifying trinkets you so desire to suckle on as they liberate the burden of choice from your complicated lives. Is that so wrong?”
Jezos appeared at a local rally, where he took the opportunity to shake babies, kiss hands and argue that human dignity is merely relative to the worsened conditions of others.
“Can you believe these fatcats want to pay this filth $15 dollars to flip burgers?” a disgusted Jezos said, slathering his hands with Purell before poking the face of a Burger King employee he brought on stage. “I propose that we stick it to this freeloader and lower the minimum wage to $5 an hour. Then I promise I’ll pay you doublewhat he makes, because you’re twice as good as him. Remember, your stagnant wages are good enough as long as there is someone making significantly less that you can look down upon.”
While Amazon wouldn’t directly admit to buying the favor of their carefully planted candidates, they did hint that a successful election would result in a Black Friday sale on corporate lobbyists.
