In a rare interview, Amazon CEO and Founder Jeff Bezos admitted that he had assumed a Superman-like figure would have halted his astonishingly transparent evil plans to subjugate the entire human race by now.
“Frankly, I’m a little insulted the world hasn’t pooled its collective resources to undermine the ingenious scheme I’m clearly formulating right in front of your eyes,” Bezos said, slowly circling his chair to face reporters while petting a white cat. “I’ve planted a spy bug in every home in America, and people just willingly put them there! You ever notice that we practically just give those fuckers away? I purchased my own personal media arm at The Washington Post, I have the complete and undivided attention of your children on Twitch. I have a fucking robotics and a rocket company. If that doesn’t scream Skynet, I don’t know what will! Maybe the lifelike cyborg citizens I released into the general population two years ago? We’ll see.”
Bezos paced furiously around the room before glancing down at the cat in his arms.
“Fresh cat!” Bezos shouted, hurling the previous feline into a nearby chute while a monotone chorus of ‘Great shot, Emperor Bezos’ burst out from his executive entourage. Bezos lit a cigarette before continuing his rant, casually swinging a new cat by its tail as he paced across the room.
“I’ve bent the nation’s supply chains to my will, I’ve whored out entire cities with the fleeting prospect that I might grace their constituents with my Dickensian workplaces. You should have seen the look on the Columbus city officials’ faces — those rubes actually thought I was serious about moving HQ2 there. Columbus! Can you imagine?” Bezos laughed, absently stubbing his cigarette out on a nearby employee. “So far I have 175 fulfillment centers scattered across North America with 125,000 mentally shattered employees at my beck and call. Every so often I’ll have a forklift robot stab an employee, to gauge workplace temperament. The first few times productivity completely stopped, but now they just sort of work around the corpse. As a money-crazed lunatic, you love to see optimization like that.”
Bezos noted that while he feels purchasing a volcano to transform into a labyrinthine evil lair is a tad cliche, he’s had his eyes on some property in Indonesia just in case.
