A large group of prospective Apple employees have fled the Seattle neighborhood of Rainier Beach this week after reportedly suffering from a mass onset of premature gentrification.
“When I moved here from Cupertino, we expected a certain level of affluent ease, but the moving person was unequipped to properly install my Peloton, and then the nearest ‘BevMo’ couldn’t even refill my kombucha growler,” said Parker Maxwell, a UX Designer set to begin work at the new Apple Campus in South Lake Union. “I think an establishment lacking a robust kombucha delivery system can hardly brand themselves as ‘Mo’ — it’s false advertising and Yelp will be hearing about this.”
Despite his best efforts to adjust to his new surroundings for an excruciating four days, Maxwell has already planned a move to the familiar comfort of a SmartRent-equipped luxury apartment near his workplace in South Lake Union.
“Based on the stellar gentrification of South Lake Union, we thought nearby Rainier Beach might have the hyper-specific amenities I require to merely exist, but I was just so, so wrong,” Maxwell said, removing his horned-rimmed glasses and contorting his face into a dry cry. “I can’t even cry because I haven’t had cucumber water in days and I’m just really lacking the electrolytes I require to form tears. I went to a cafe yesterday and they only had a five milk alternatives — what sane consumer is going to be satisfied with a paltry selection of soy, coconut, hemp, pea and oat? They giggled when I asked for wood milk … the indignity.”
Maxwell said that several of his other colleagues will be fleeing Rainier Beach to join him in the luxury apartment community as well after finding it especially difficult to maintain ketosis while living next to King Donuts.
