Police were hailed to a bizarre scene at an Olympia convenience store today when Governor Jay Inslee was discovered sucking car exhaust from an idling 1987 Camry in what he claims was a desperate bid to halt the deadly emissions that are slowly choking our planet.
“Do you know how many carbon particles are released by an idling car? Do you?” Inslee shrieked while being held back by Olympia Police. “I’ll do anything to save our fragile environment, and I mean anything. I’m incubating three endangered Finch eggs in my pockets right now and my shoes are full of compost. I’ve slathered the Governor’s Mansion in thick pollen and now its entirely covered in bees. I am the queen of their hive, and my minions will protect me on my mission to rid the world of all fossil fuel pollutants.”
Police reported that Governor Inslee allegedly attacked the man, now identified as Carl Fitzgerald, as he returned to his vehicle after running into the convenience store for a pack of cigarettes.
“I came back out with my smokes and saw something hanging off the back of my car. I thought maybe my bumper had come off, but when I got closer I saw that a man was latched to the exhaust pipe of my car,” said Fitzgerald, shaken up following his encounter. “I called out to him and then he just jumped on me, screaming something about murdering the planet. I only left the car running for a minute, I was going to be right out, I swear.”
Governor Inslee later escaped from police custody, cackling as he disappeared into a cloud of bees, leaving only a small pile of mulch behind.
