What you’ve heard is true: Our road tests confirm that the 2019 Tesla Model 3 offers the same opportunities to drive like a complete dickhead that many BMW and Audi drivers have long enjoyed — but with only a fraction of the gas consumption and greenhouse gas emissions.
The Model 3 zooms from 0 to 60 mph in just 3.5 seconds—perfect for shitbag moves like jumping out of stopped traffic to speed away in an empty HOV lane despite driving solo. Its underfloor battery gives the Model 3 a low center of gravity, helping the car feel stable as you recklessly weave in between cars like a true prick.
In National Highway Traffic Safety Administration crash test ratings, the car received 5 stars in every category. That and the emergency automatic braking system are reassuring features that reinforce the temptation to heedlessly rush your Tesla 3 right behind other cars and tailgate them until they surrender to your psychopathic driving tendencies.
The Tesla 3 achieves an EPA mile rating of up to 133 MPG, a stunning level of efficiency that reduces your carbon footprint and gives you much more time to be an intolerable asshat out on the open road rather than in line at the gas station.
So, if you’re the particular kind of tunnel-visioned narcissist who’s ready to use the facade of caring about global climate change to flout the physical safety and wellbeing of any person in your immediate vicinity, the Tesla Model 3 may be the perfect car for you.
The only downside noticed in our test-drive is, without the clamor of a gas-powered engine, you’ll clearly hear both road noise and other drivers calling you one downright inconsiderate motherfucker.
