Local sports fan Bart Thompson, whose general state of being could best be classified as a man-made environmental disaster, decided today to belittle the sporting prowess of a worldwide tournament of athletic wonders.
“Get off the field and make me a sandwich, am I right?” scoffed the doughy chowder of a man, blissfully unaware that a single Amazonian goddess on the U.S. Women’s National Team could reduce him to a quivering puddle at the slightest provocation. “Why would I want to watch the Women’s National Team go on an unprecedented run to a repeat World Cup victory when I could watch the vastly superior Men’s National Team unceremoniously bounced out of the tournament in the qualifying round?”
Thompson paused to collect his breath after the arduous task of completing two full sentences, before continuing to ridicule the incredible accomplishments of the world-class athletes.
“If these women were so smart, why wouldn’t they take their generational athletic abilities and superhuman work ethic to another field that would similarly undervalue them at the whims of whimpering thin-skinned man-children like myself?” asked Thompson. “Plus it’s like they’re not even trying to look attractive while running endlessly for 90 minutes — I wouldn’t even consider rolling up my enormous gut like a two-car garage door to pleasure these ultra-fit super athletes.”
When pressed for examples of how his own athletic prowess made him an expert on the topic, Thompson became defensive.
“You want to see something truly impressive? Watch me threaten teenagers who want to take away my guns on Facebook.”
