Greenwood resident Ethan Buell announced to friends and family Monday afternoon that he was headed to Aurora Avenue to scour dealerships in the hopes of finding a sweet deal on a new or pre-owned coping mechanism.
“I’ve been dealing with a lot of different stresses in my life lately,” Buell told a reporter while standing in the lot of Hoppity Hank’s No-Hassle Buy n’ Save. “All the usual ways I’ve stuffed my feelings down deep inside me just aren’t working anymore, so I thought I’d try and find something new, or gently used.”
Buell says he’s tried eating “mixing bowls full of Cheetos” while sitting naked watching hours of true crime shows, biting his nails to the quick, and spending 26 straight hours in the 24-hour buffet of a local casino. But then the distractions inevitably lost their potency, leading Buell to a terrifying revelatory moment of sitting with his pure emotional discomfort.
“Can’t have those feelings seeping into conscious awareness and prompting productive action that would help me address them directly, you know?” Buell said. “How else am going to keep getting out of bed in the morning and showing up late to my shit-ass job?”
At a second dealership later in the day, Buell found the ability to make a mean cocktail with whatever’s on-hand.
“Man, if I opened up my cabinets right now I’d get some grape juice, throw a little butterscotch schnapps and pickle brine in there,” Buell said proudly. “Yeah, it’s call it a Bad Motherpucker.”
A salesman, seeing Buell’s enthusiasm, approached him.
“What can I do to put you in something maladaptive today? Buddy if you like this one, you’d better move fast — I’ve got another guy coming down here to look at it at 5 o’clock!”
