The business world was set into a panic today after a new report revealed CEOs have found evidence that their employees have begun doing something called “quiet profiting” off of their own labor.
“Do you know where your employees are right now? They could be in the bathroom, or taking a coffee break while still getting paid, and it’s all part of an insidious new labor trend that’s siphoning money from the nation’s most benevolent bosses,” said Wall Street Journal reporter Frederick Quincy. “Like its cousin ‘quiet quitting,’ employees engaging in ‘quiet profiting’ expect to be compensated for their labor at the agreed upon rate, with no regard to the damage it’s doing to their company’s bottom line. Most shocking of all, these selfish employees refuse to stay late, show up early, or attend non-mandatory meetings without being paid for their time!”
Local CEO Paul Dunbar was shocked to learn that employees of his regional ‘Back the Brew’ chain of coffee stands were actually taking their legally-mandated paid breaks.
“We put legal mumbo jumbo like ‘paid breaks’ and ‘benefits’ into our employment contracts, but I never thought any employee would be selfish enough to actually exercise these rights,” said Dunbar, watching in disgust as one of his barista employees sat down for a moment. “And did you know there’s this separate money pool called ‘tips’ that the workers split, and we don’t even get a cut? Why am I expected to pay them again when the customer is already giving them money? I think it’d be much more efficient if I collected the tips myself, and then they trickled down to the most deserving employees in the form of an annual pizza party.”
At press time, a new WSJ report was sounding the alarm about “hydration theft,” a damaging new trend where employees drank water paid for by the company rather than bringing their own from home.
