President Donald Trump fired Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem today after discovering she had not only blown more than $200 million on one ad featuring herself but was planning on buying Seattle’s Hat ‘n’ Boots to wear in another.
“I tried to tell her the Hat ‘n’ Boots were too big for her but she wouldn’t listen,” said one source, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity in a quivering voice. “She wasn’t just addicted to blowing money and Corey Lewandowski—she was addicted to buying and wearing bigger and bigger hats every time she appeared on camera, which eventually brought us to Oxbow Park in Seattle. She was adamant they would look and feel great in her next $200 million DHS ad shoot while riding Blucifer through Denver.”
Noem’s staff had reportedly also been tasked with finding the cowboy hat and both pistols of Yosemite Sam for a press conference announcing a renaming of El Capitan to The Cap Tan.
“I don’t really know if she accepted this job for any other reason other than buying and wearing hats on camera,” said another staffer. “The least she could have done is at least wear a mask so we didn’t also have to always have a 10-person make-up crew on-hand to maintain whatever part of her face was still visible from under the hat, which admittedly wasn’t much by the end.”
Although new DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullins is not expected to continue the cowboy hat spending problem, at press time some sources were reporting he was already adding new names to his first name and is now going by Markwaynestevemikematt Mullins.
