Crisis was averted today as an apocalyptic, city shattering earthquake heading towards Seattle was halted in its tracks by an impenetrable Everett traffic-jam.
“We really dodged a bullet there, and we have the horrific traffic quagmire that transpires daily in Everett to thank for that,” said Tom Pearson, Seismologist at the Pacific Northwest Seismic Network. “It appears that after three hours stuck outside of Everett Mall, the earthquake turned around in a huff and abandoned its quest to reduce the city of Seattle to rubble and ash.”
Instead, it appears that the earthquake eked out a meager 3.0 magnitude tantrum near Snohomish. Local officials reported that both Walmarts in the area were thankfully unharmed in the quake.
In recent years, scientists have begun to theorize that Seattle has avoided several such earthquakes due to its position between three daily traffic catastrophes, dubbed the Traffic Protection Zone.
“Seattle is guarded to the south by Tacoma Dome traffic, and the north by Everett traffic and the east by the traffic in Bellevue,” said Pearson. “I just thank my lucky stars that Seattle is contained within an impenetrable traffic bubble from all sides or the city would have been reduced to an Auburn-like hellscape years ago.”
When reached for comment, Auburn aggressively insisted we buy a used car or get the hell out.
