After a second night of FBI Director Kash Patel sleeping in the U.S. Men’s Hockey team’s bedroom, players are beginning to wonder if he really has to stare at them while they sleep like that.
“First he wanted to come into the locker room when we won gold, and we were like fine, little buddy,” said player Dylan Larkin. “Then he wanted to come stay with us in our bedroom and again we said fine, little guy. But now this is the second time I’ve woken up to go to the bathroom and found him just staring at me. He asked if he could come into the bathroom too, and at first I didn’t want to but he kept crying so I just let him do that too.”
According to sleep experts, the staring phenomenon called parasomnias can happen when FBI Directors’ brains and bodies are still growing and developing.
“Parasomnias often cause an FBI Director to appear confused or afraid,” said Dr. Becky Stewarts. “In many cases, this disturbs them as much as it disturbs their new favorite person who they may call ‘friend’ even though you actually barely know each other and they’re asking to be with you in increasingly more intimate quarters.”
At press time, hockey player Jack Hughes was just relieved the suffocating force above him wasn’t a sleep paralysis demon, just a catatonic Kash laying on top of him staring at his teeth an inch from his face.
