A group of local billionaires is feared dead today after the Millionaire Tax refugees’ raft was seen capsizing off the shores of Mercer Island.
“Unfortunately we—as is so often the case with billionaires—have to assume the worst,” said King County Search & Rescue lead Cindy Burns. “The group had apparently abandoned all hope they could survive the Millionaire Tax the state senate approved this week so fast that instead of waiting for a superyacht or private plane to dock at their multi-million-dollar mansions and safely take them to Florida, they all crammed into an inflatable raft and fled as soon as they could with only the Rolex watches on their wrists. Even more tragic, they did it all before the senate also repealed the 35% estate tax on assets of more than $9 million. Ah, all they wanted was the freedom to hoard as much money for themselves as possible no matter the cost to anyone else.”
Apparently the group ran into trouble when no one would volunteer to row, eventually sending it into the path of a giant rock that ripped a hole into the inflatable’s side.
“It’s very dangerous for people who haven’t done any manual labor in years to be out on the open water without their servants,” said Burns. “Just like with the Titanic though, there was only so much room on the life raft and all middle and lower class people had to be left to die on land, tragically fated to benefit from the state bringing in more than $3.5 billion more in taxes every year from the uber rich to better fund public education and health programs.”
They are survived by 7 million Washington residents they almost never paid any taxes to despite all their work building the billionaires’ wealth, and a handful of other billionaire neighbors who weren’t available for comment as they competed to bid as much as $10 billion for the Seattle Seahawks.
