Shortly after Jody Allen officially announced the Seahawks were up for sale today, cautiously optimistic Seattle sports fans waved forward the bidding process once it had immediately bound and gagged former Sonics owner and Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz.
“Sure, there’s still a lot of other horrible people the team could end up getting sold to, but none with a record of selling a beloved home team to Oklahoma City—you may proceed now, Jody Allen,” said local Seattle sports fan Luke Vogel as a blindfolded Schultz tied to a chair in a dark basement pled for something unintelligible while a ball gag was stuffed in his mouth. “If Bezos knows what’s good for his balls, he’ll stay out of this all on his own.”
Meanwhile, other Seattle sports fans were dutifully barring any flights incoming from and outgoing to Oklahoma City just to be safe.
“Nothing personal, hopefully this sale bidding process doesn’t take too long,” said diehard Sonics fan Sean Rankin on a Southwest flight intercom before ordering everyone who flew into SeaTac from OKC to buckle back up and head home. “Don’t you have some Thunder games at home to go to this week anyway?”
In solidarity with Seattle, at press time Starbucks unions across the country were reportedly volunteering to pick up shifts to watch over Schultz until the sale was complete or whenever they were finished with him.
