Panicking about how they’ll ever manage to make ends meet once Washington’s Millionaire Tax goes into effect, several local oligarchs were happy to learn the state is hosting free financial clinics to help them navigate the confusing new tax structure.
“We know it can be hard adding numbers up when you have wealth beyond most people’s wildest imaginations,” said state accountant Keith Weebly of the 9.9% tax on income over $1 million a year. “That’s why we’re offering free clinics that help oligarchs figure out this confusing new thing where they pay even a fraction of the taxes that the poors do.”
In the first of a series of free monthly clinics held in Medina, most people at the free clinic were wondering why they had to pay the Millionaire Tax if they’re actually billionaires.
“Sounds like this tax should be more geared towards making sure some middle-class person who scraped and saved enough to technically be a millionaire with their one million dollars that’ll be wiped out as soon as they buy a home in Seattle and have kids, not people who have to keep up at least three mansions,” said Joe Sabey. “Am I even going to be able to buy my daughter a superyacht for her sweet 16th this year? Or am I going to have to sell her off Eyes Wide Shut style to whoever replaced you know who? Oh wait, I know who that is. God forbid the day I can’t afford to send her on a first-class flight to DC.”
At press time, Weebly was explaining for the hundredth time that oligarchs who are retired and no longer receive a salaried income from an employer won’t even pay a cent of the new Millionaire Tax and that Howard Schultz, once again, doesn’t know and never has known WTF he’s talking about.
