After a week of deliberating if Iran’s national soccer team will be able to attend their scheduled World Cup Games in Seattle and LA this summer, today the United States clarified they may as long as the team consists of no dangerous elementary school children.
“If Iran’s national soccer team can pass an extensive security background check ensuring it consists of no players who are as fearsome as the 165 elementary school children we had to blow up with a Tomahawk missile last week, we may be able to work something out,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. “But that’s a big if! You can’t underestimate how sneaky and smart these Iranian kids can be. According to our intelligence, many of those children were allegedly able to do math as advanced as long division.”
Although Iran’s national soccer team has already assured the United States that everyone on the team is a full-grown male adult, players remained confused about why children would ever be a security threat and target of the U.S. military.
“We know President Trump is scared of children these days because of how many can reveal he’s a pedophile, but I think most of those children are American or Russian,” said Iran team captain Alireza Jahanbakhsh. “Don’t worry: We don’t want our country’s children anywhere around you.”
At press time, the U.S. military leaders were still afraid at the thought of Iranian children performing some sort of advanced witchcraft called science.
