Several ICE agents are still in the hospital today after being shot repeatedly by iPhones over the weekend.
“These attempted assassins shot our agents straight in the head at close range with 24mm iPhone lenses—obviously, they’re lucky to be alive,” said DHS Secretary Kristi Noem. “Even more were cruelly shot in the buttcrack as they wrestled a mother down to the ground in front of her children—just unconscionable. We can only hope they recover faster than our agent who is still in the ICU after getting shot from several angles as he slipped on ice.”
As she awaits word from doctors on if they can remove all the videos of the agents killing someone in broad daylight, Secretary Noem said she’s pleading the president and Congress to pass even tighter iPhone control laws to prevent more ICE agents from being shot in the future.
“While we may have killed one of these assassins who was plotting this terrorist attack the entire time he was a VA hospital ICU nurse, there are millions more First Amendment nut-jobs like him out there on the loose just open-carrying phones everywhere like a bunch of maniacs,” Noem said. “When the founding fathers created the First Amendment, they had no idea how future technology would evolve from simple magazines to movie-quality cameras holstered in everyone’s pockets ready to shoot law enforcement at any time. Today it’s ICE agents as they tear families apart, but tomorrow it could be you while caught stealing a purse from an old lady or rooting for the Patriots.”
At press time, the agents’ nurse said that although she initially struggled to take care of them considering they had just executed one of her colleagues in the street, doing so got a lot easier after she realized their hospital stay would more than instantly wipe out their entire hiring bonus.
